You might be doing all of the work to set up a really positive body image environment for your kids, but it’s impossible to control how other people speak to and treat them.
If your child is being bullied for their body or appearance, you might think that it’s easiest to take measures to change their body to stop the teasing. The logic makes sense – if they were smaller, they wouldn’t get teased, right? However, there are lots of other ways to address appearance-based bullying that don’t involve changing your child’s body. We can give them strategies to stand up to or avoid the bully, build their resilience, and give them a solid foundation of body acceptance and body appreciation that will help them to engage in health behaviours, and be happier – for life.
Here are five things you can say to your child, to help minimise the impact of the bullying.
1. “There is nothing wrong with your body.”
We want our kids to know that they are loved and accepted by us, exactly as they are. Tell them you are proud of them, and that they are already worthy of love and respect – they don’t need to change anything about themselves to earn that. Tell them that some people won’t see that, but you do – and they will find their people who love and accept them exactly as they are.
2. “You don’t deserve to be treated that way – no one does.”
Depending on the age of your child, you can talk about how many people are biased against people in larger bodies, and how those in larger bodies often face discrimination, and how that is never ok. Adolescents can get into this from a social justice perspective. There are lots of fat liberation people and organisations they can follow to learn more about this work, like the US National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, or NAAFA.
3. “They have a problem, not you.”
Having conversations about the insecurities, lack of self-esteem and the desire-to-be-liked that is common among people who bully others can help. Try coming from a place of curiosity and empathy, which might sound like “Oh, I wonder what is going on for them at home for them to treat people so badly”, instead of retaliating with something like “Well they are obviously stupid.”
4. “Your body is just right for you. It’s growing right now, and your body is in charge of how it will grow – including how tall and what shape you will be. Your job is to listen to your body.”
Kids need to know that we know they are beautiful, worthy and loved, and that all bodies are good bodies. We want to instil the knowledge that their weight is not necessarily up to them, that it is just right for them, and that it will continue to change over time.
5. “What can you do next time that happens?”
Putting a plan in place can help to overcome the challenge of responding appropriately in the moment. Discussing strategies such as avoiding the bully, staying closer to supervising teachers on the playground or asking their friends to act as bystanders to stand up to the bully, can help them to plan ahead. Instead of reactively informing your child’s teacher of the bullying that is occurring after it happens, encourage your child to talk to their teacher in a proactive way. Approaching the conversation from the place of “this has been happening for a while and I would like you to please help me to come up with a plan to stop it from happening again” will help the teacher to take more control of the situation.
I know it’s hard. I know it feels like more work. But trust me, it will be worth it.
