The following blog post is written by Rachael, a member of the Embrace Kids Youth Crew. It reflects her personal lived experiences and reflections on body image, self-worth and growing up in a world shaped by societal expectations.
This letter is also available in video format.
Dear younger self,
Your existence is foreign and far removed. A distant dream, not a being who lived, breathed, thought and felt.
The way that your eyes shine with optimism and joy seeps out of you feels unfamiliar to me now. The way you move so freely to feel connection as opposed to punishment, how your hair is thick and full without touching a product, and your skin isn’t dry and cracked from a lack of oils. The energy that fills you and fuels you, the crumbs down your shirt from your homemade birthday cake, of which guilt was not an ingredient.
It’s hard to believe that we’re the same person. It’s hard to accept that – beneath it all – you are the flesh and bones that formed me. The same beating heart, the same lungs filtering oxygen into the same blood, in the same arteries and veins. It’s hard to consider that you’d ever strive for anything more than you are now – flawed and unashamed of it.
I can’t imagine speaking to you in the manner I speak to myself. How could I tell you you don’t deserve happiness? How could I degrade you the way I degrade myself?
When did the strive for moral righteousness become venomous? How is it that even someone so unbothered by their appearance was conditioned to believe that the only way to achieve respect was through embodying what was ‘good’ and following these invisible rules to a tee? How is it that these rules came to exist in the first place and that they themselves were a recipe for despair?
I should have been your protector, when instead I stood passively and watched you hurt. For the things that for me are past and present, and for you are a distant future, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry the world will teach you that food exists on a scale of morality. That apples and carrots are unequivocally ‘better’ than bread and cake. That cauliflower is somehow comparable to rice and that coffee tastes better without milk. I’m sorry you will convince yourself that stevia tastes like sugar and that surviving is the same as living – that you will spend so long waking up not to live, but to go through the motions of life.
I’m sorry you will learn that health is dictated by objective measures and that these themselves are distorted by layers of marketing and societal standards. That clinicians who prescribe weight loss as a first port of call will outnumber those who understand that health can and does exist at every size. That the world in essence is not created for people to exist as their authentic, raw and real selves.
I’m sorry that the roots of these ideas are yet to be acknowledged. That as a result, you will be considered vain and shallow, that the scapegoat will be – in a twist of irony – the same platforms that have enabled you to find connection and meaning. That your real and tangible challenges will be dismissed as growing pains that are not just normal but also ‘expected’.
I’m sorry that you will be forced to grow up too fast, to fast forward your childhood in pursuit of excellence, respect, appreciation and admiration. That you will be subtly praised for being ‘mature for your age’ yet also reminded time-and-time again of your juvenility. That you will consequently reach adulthood with the shadow of your unlived adolescence looming over you.
I’m sorry you will push yourself too far in pursuit of what you believe you ‘should’ become, both physically and mentally. That you will push yourself to extremes in an attempt to be respected by others, and that you will push yourself to reach your ‘full potential’ at the cost of your livelihood and your health.
I’m sorry that you won’t be able to stand up against the misaligned ideologies surrounding health and beauty. Notions that the weight on your body is more devastating than the weight of your heaviest burdens, and that tracking macros and calories is more important than tracking your memories. Notions that a basic need is instead gluttony and selfishness.
I’m sorry that you will treat your body with such ungraciousness. With destruction and violence that you would never consider showing to others – anger, disgust and abrasion.
I’m sorry that you will feel too afraid to stand up for yourself. Too helpless to speak your mind in fear of being perceived as rude or abrasive, impolite, problematic, unpleasant or disrespectful. That you’ll live in fear of being ‘too much’ and being forced to become less. Be forced to dull your colours and hide your idiosyncrasies.
I’m writing this in the hope that someone who needs to hear it will. Knowing it is something I so desperately needed to be told – to be granted permission to believe. Knowing that many more need to hear it in the same way. Wishing that it reaches the right ears, meets the right souls, and greets them with a gentle embrace.
If anyone in your life might benefit from my words, please share this with them. If you are concerned that you or a young person you know might be struggling with body image and/or eating/exercise behaviours, don’t hesitate to seek out the support and guidance of a professional. A GP or the Butterfly Foundation National Helpline (1800 334 673) is a great place to start.
