Mum, why does it go out here now?” my 11 year old asked, pointing to his lower belly. Of course he decided to walk into the kitchen and ask me this as I was trying to make school lunches, encourage everyone to eat breakfast, put away groceries, plan the post-school activity logistics and do all of the things…
As someone who grew up surrounded by diet culture in the 90s, it was tempting to take the opportunity to make him feel guilty about what he has been eating lately, and say something like, “Well, you’ve been eating a lot of lollies and soft drink and snacky foods. Try eating a vegetable for once! And I found so many chocolate wrappers in your room last week.”
But given what I do for work, I took a deep breath and said, as nonchalantly and neutrally as possible, “Oh, your body is just growing right now… it knows what it’s doing to turn your child body into an adult body. Sometimes your body has to store some energy there in its bigger plan to help you grow taller.”
“Well, I don’t like it,” he said as he went back to his room to continue playing video games… and that was that. Even though I talk about this stuff in my work, it’s still hard to have these conversations – and perhaps even more tricky as I know how important these moments are on many levels.
I am often asked, “Your advice is all lovely, but what if my child is in a larger body? How do I help them?”
As one of those kids who was in a larger body myself, I can tell you two things we should avoid doing with our kids:
- Encouraging any sort of weight loss or changing what they’re eating/how they’re moving their bodies for the sole purpose of changing their body
- Weighing them or allowing their weight or BMI to be calculated, assessed or discussed in their presence at the doctor’s office
Now, the thing is, these are often the first two things that people do in this situation. So if you have ever done either of the above, it’s very understandable. Our entire culture and every piece of messaging you have probably ever received about bodies is that you should weigh yourself and change your diet and exercise patterns to make your body smaller.
It’s also very tempting to encourage weight loss when children are being teased or bullied about their weight and shape. The logic makes sense – if they were smaller, they wouldn’t get teased, right? Maybe, but here’s the thing: if your child is in a larger body, research shows that in the long run, when we tell them they are ‘overweight’* and introduce the idea that they can and should try to lose weight, we introduce a whole world of shame. This shame ends up leading to weight cycling and weight gain over time, disordered eating behaviours and poor mental health.
Remember, your kids probably haven’t been exposed to all of the diet culture-riddled messaging that you have – you know, the ads that told us to ‘pinch an inch’ or showed Norm on the couch; the many, many diet books about the cabbage soup and grapefruit diet; or the primetime TV shows glorifying weight loss and cosmetic surgery. They haven’t yet had all of this poured into their brains, so we have the opportunity to stop the cycle and avoid passing all of this on to the next generation. We have the opportunity to tell them that their body is just right as it is, and to help them care for their bodies and look after themselves in the same way that kids in smaller bodies should.
So, how do we do things differently? As a body image expert (who is also a parent and was a child in a larger body), here’s what I recommend.
Accept that their body is the way it is right now
It doesn’t need to change or be smaller, even if the world tells you that is the case. As long as they are doing the things to keep them healthy – engaging in physical activity, eating nutritious foods, getting enough sleep and drinking water – then they are doing enough. Avoid comparing them to others, or wishing they looked a certain way. You might think that encouraging them to lose weight will help them to feel accepted by their peers and others, but actually YOUR acceptance of their bodies is the most important thing here. If you’re wondering how to address appearance-related bullying, we’ve got a whole blog post coming on that!
Ask your doctor to use other measures of health
Measures such as blood pressure are more accurate indicators of health status than weight. Calculating BMI and plotting it on a chart is a fast and easy thing for a doctor to do, but all of the research we have suggests that the long-term effects of children being told they are ‘overweight’* are not actually great for them. Research suggests that this sort of shame doesn’t motivate engagement in health behaviours as intended – in fact, it does quite the opposite. Telling kids that they are ‘too fat’ leads to avoidance of physical activity, and avoidance of health care. Have a word to your doctor beforehand, write it on a card or notify the front desk to add it to your file – do whatever you need to do. You could say to the doctor, “I’d rather not have them get on the scales. Is there any other way you can assess how well they are growing?” If your health care providers insist on measuring your child’s weight, you can ask that they cover up the numbers and use more general descriptors like “growing really well” as opposed to talking in BMI or growth percentiles.
Find some physical activity they enjoy, that they are excited about and that feels good for their body
This could be a team sport, but it could also be going for walks, roller blading or bike riding with you. You could even integrate tech to catch Pokémon or go geocaching. It could be martial arts, dance or skateboarding – literally anything where they feel like they are good at it. Advocate for flexibility in sport uniforms so your child feels comfortable and like they fit in. Move with them when you can, and role model the ways that you engage in physical activity, because it’s good for your body to move. Talk about how energised you feel afterwards, how fun it is to be out on a walk and patting the dogs, how good the air smells – anything other than the fact that going for a walk ‘burns calories’ or ‘burns fat’.
Find the foods that they like to eat and encourage them to listen to their body
If you do anything to change the foods you are eating, you can try adding in more vegetables to the whole family’s meals. Take the opportunity to explore new recipes and new foods together or involve your kids in cooking if they are interested in that. Talk about how clear your thinking is or how fresh you feel after eating a tasty salad full of crunchy vegetables, not that you are eating a salad to lose weight. Make sure to include things like wholegrains, fats and proteins in that salad so that it is actually satisfying. Don’t try to serve them less than others or stop them from having seconds – encourage them to check in with their body and identify how full or hungry they are feeling. Model the fact that you stop eating when you are full at the dinner table. Talk to them about whether they are actually hungry or if they are just bored when they want a snack. Avoid buying ‘low fat’, ‘sugar free’ or other diet foods unless you have other reasons to do so. If you want to seek support from a nutritionist or dietitian, I strongly suggest that you go to see that health professional on your own to get some strategies and support for the whole family, instead of taking your child into the appointment with you.
Be mindful of their growth and ensure that they have clothes that are comfortable and fit their body
This might mean buying larger sizes or clothes that have a more flexible fit, i.e. drawstring and elastic-waisted shorts instead of a waistband. Respond to ‘growing out of’ clothes in ways that are neutral or positive, like “Oh wow, you are growing so fast at the moment” instead of saying, “Oh, you are too big for size 12 now? We’re going to have to move to adult sizes.” As they get older, you can have a box where they can put the clothes that don’t feel good any more, and maybe even a box with ‘next size up’ clothes at the ready.
Ensure that they are exposed to lots of excellent role models in larger bodies who are doing great things and being great people
If they are on social media, sit alongside them to curate their feed and follow people in bodies that look more like theirs, and who are more positive (or just neutral) about their body. Unfollow any diet, food or beauty content that makes them feel bad. Try to find films and TV series where there are diverse-sized characters who are celebrated.
This might seem like a lot, but you don’t need to start doing all of these things perfectly all at once. Just pick one to start and gradually build on it with these other tactics.
*I only use ‘o’ words, i.e. ‘overweight’ and ‘obese’, when necessary for understanding and context as they are highly stigmatising terms.
