I literally cheered at my TV last night while watching Grey’s Anatomy (Yes, it’s my favourite show, yes, it’s still going, and yes, I know this is tragic!).
Anyway, stay with me, and picture this… in the show, Perez (Surgical Resident, in a larger body) has examined a new patient, a middle-aged female middle school science teacher, also in a larger body, presenting with knee pain. Perez calls the orthopaedic surgeon (athletic, toned, typical TV doctor) for a consult, as he thinks there is more going on that needs to be investigated beyond just giving a cortisone injection for the pain. The orthopaedic surgeon barely touches her knee before condescendingly suggesting that if she wanted a more permanent solution, she might try “losing a little weight”. He explains how to take walks, and assumes that weight loss would be a) possible and b) easy if the patient just tried harder.
“How am I supposed to talk long walks with friends when I get shooting pains from my knee when I walk?” the patient counters. “So if I just figure out how not to be fat, all of my problems will magically go away,” she says, and she gets up to walk out of the hospital. It’s at this moment that the ortho guy notices her actual symptoms, orders an MRI, it seems she has a spinal disc herniation, and the next time we see the patient, she’s on the operating table. Perez is acknowledged and validated, and Bailey goes on a huge rant about the ridiculousness of the BMI, and the financial discrimination of fat people in the US medical system. It’s awesome, trust me.
(It’s season 18, episode 10 for those watching along at home!)
Thank you Shonda Rhimes!
Unfortunately, for many people in a larger body, this is not something that just happens on TV.
Assumptions can be made in medical and health settings, and although doctors and health professionals usually have the patient’s best interests at heart, there can be a lot of inadvertent shame. The huge focus on weight instead of health tends to lead people to feel shame about their bodies, which does nothing to motivate them to change their health behaviour – in fact, it has quite the opposite effect, especially when you are going to the doctor, dentist, or health professional about an unrelated health issue (like a sore knee).
So, how do we protect our kids – particularly those in larger bodies – from experiencing this?
- Learn more about weight bias and weight stigma in medical settings. There are some excellent fat activists and body liberation advocates that write about this, and provide information and stories from lived experience, alongside shared action and suggestions. Size Inclusive Health Australia and the Association for Size Diversity and Health (ASDAH) are organisations that provide resources and information in this space. You can also follow Chevese Turner and Hannah Fuhlendorf. The more you learn, the more you can advocate for your child
- Look for weight-neutral, size-inclusive medical providers. There are many Health At Every Size providers listed on this verified provider registry – most of them are psychologists or dietitians as opposed to GPs, but they may be able to direct you to medical professionals who also use this approach
- Prepare your comebacks and supporting statements. If you’ve been in this situation before, prepare your defence for when you go to the doctor again. This can be as simple as clearly stating “I don’t want to be weighed or talk about my weight right now. I am here about (reiterate your issue).” When booking online, you can request that you aren’t weighed, and that doctors don’t speak to you about your weight. The US-based more-love.org have business-card-sized “don’t weigh me” cards, as well as “Please don’t weigh/talk about my child’s weight” cards for parents
And what can you do if you or your child have already experienced this shame? First, you need to apply a liberal dose of self-compassion – the universal antidote to shame.
This process involves:
- Acknowledging the uncomfortable feelings brought up by the situation
- Recognising that you are not alone in this
- Speaking to yourself with the same kindness that you would to a friend
For example, this could look like: “Wow, I’m feeling really ashamed, sad, and angry right now. That dentist had no right to comment on my weight. But I know that this is not my fault, and unfortunately, I am not alone – many people experience this sort of discrimination. Although I am feeling this shame right now, I know that my weight is not who I am, and I am more than what I look like. I am an incredible human doing my best in this world, and achieving incredible things.” It’s important that you also do things that activate the soothing mechanisms in self-compassion. Try putting your hand on your heart, massaging the back of your neck or stroking your arms. Going for a walk, meditating, or doing some other sorts of self care can also help you move through the feelings.
There is a huge amount of research supporting the benefits of self-compassion, and some particular studies that have shown that self-compassion is linked to improved body image, engagement in health behaviours, and helps to reverse some of the adverse outcomes of weight stigma.
Practicing self-compassion yourself can help you to model this to your child. And the more you practice this framework and approach, the more that you turn down that inner critic and start listening to the compassionate voice, and the more you will start to automatically respond with kindness instead of criticism – and this is great for both your mental and physical health. One review found that people with higher self-compassion got more sleep and had higher levels of immunity – not what you would expect from ‘treating yourself with kindness’.
We would love to see a world where people didn’t have to go to all of this extra effort in order to have access to non-stigmatising health care. And we are working towards creating this world. Until then, seek out these providers, prepare yourself, and know that you are not alone in experiencing this shame.
